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Duchess

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[11 Dec 2016|01:44am]
Do I save lives or do I ruin them?

Do people end up with me as a last hope lost cause?

I find it hard to differentiate

I lose more lives than I get to save

The weight of telling someone bad news does not get lighter in time especially when I know the causes but cannot fully comprehend the rapid decline
love me to death!

[03 May 2016|02:08am]
I seem to have the ability to enjoy life, people, company,

If I saw myself I would not think I am staring at a depressed person. However the feeling is there. A sadness that won't go away. That can't go away. I am avoiding places. And I cannot seem to find an outlet for these emotions
love me to death!

[20 Apr 2016|11:33pm]
My life has taken so many turns I never expected, as it goes "I guess this is growing up" our milestones are really just us being adults and living through hard times.

In November my dad got pnemonia and nearly died and is now pretty much back to normal.

In February we had a birthday party for my friend Maria where everyone celebrated her life and had an amazing time.


On April 8, 2016 Maria was admitted for bleeding and on April 17, 2016 Maria passed away at Amara hospice.

I never spoke about Maria anywhere but that didn't mean I didn't love her with all my heart. Maria was the kindest, craziest, funniest person I have ever met. She was so sweet and full of life no matter how much fear and pain she was suffering behind closed doors. She never complained and never said a negative word about anyone.

I really did see a lot of myself in her which is why we bonded so quickly. Only I am much more hot tempered lol

Maria always wanted to see me get married. I suppose she just wanted me to be happy. I wanted her to always be happy and she was. She never lost her faith, she never lost her huge smile and positive attitude. I hurt me so much to watch her get sick during her 1 week in the hospital. Seeing her be stuck in bed, in pain, and scared broke my heart. I'm so happy that during her last days I was able to spend time with her, make her laugh, have her give me her funny looks because I said something dumb lol.

I honesty cannot believe you're gone. I won't allow myself to truly accept it. I suppose that is how I'm protecting myself from the pain. I still feel like you are out there caring for all the sick people out there and making their day so much brighter with your smile and kindness. How do the people who love you go on without you? Today at the funeral home I saw you and I didn't believe that was you, when I saw you at the hospice I couldn't believe that you were no longer breathing. My heart and soul will not accept that you're gone.

Tomorrow we put your body to rest, I don't know what will happen next but we will all be there together.

I'm sorry this happened to you but I am happy I was able to share with you how much you meant to me. I was able to bring you some joy during your last days.

I look forward to seeing you again my beloved friend
love me to death!

[20 Sep 2015|11:11pm]
I hope to make myself better so I can help others with my improvements. I never would have guessed that this would be my train of thought. I also never felt that I possessed this ability. to be more to learn more to improve upon yourself in order to catch things before they happen to act quickly when time is all that matters. This is my true calling but I never knew it could be this hard. nothing worth having is easy I believe this to be true. this has become something greater than my own selfish needs or wants I have become part of a grand scheme. My goals my aspirations will all interlock with the the goals and needs of others. It is not about the money or the job it's about what I can do and how much I can learn and help.icu has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life as I knew it would be. My heart wants to learn wants to help and In a ocean of lost causes I will remember those who have come and gone and helped me grow as a human being and as a professional. Thank you all for the chance to help me learn and grow forgive me for not being able to do more or failing you I will do my best so it will not be in vain. I take what I do very seriously. God bless you all wherever you may be
love me to death!

[01 Mar 2012|09:38pm]

I got a 99.99 on the hesi, got the heart cath question wrong ahhh I should know that >.<

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love me to death!

[05 Nov 2011|04:26pm]

Blah so I lost my wallet along with my social security card and my drivers license which I just replaced 1 week ago, sigh my anxiety is clearly getting to me :(

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

love me to death!

[24 Aug 2011|11:59pm]

I'm feeling a little tired and a little sad, but on bright-side soon I'll be too busy to care :)

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

love me to death!

another day, another rant [08 Aug 2011|01:40am]
[ mood | pensive ]



 the nail on the coffin has been placed, but i feel like sulking or like being gloomy BUT if i look up and down this journal i will be able to find countless reasons, occasions, situations and circumstances to say that i should feel the opposite.

at this point im feeling, dependence, but as i have been trying to push forwards with my motives and state of mind, that nothing i do EVER should be dependent on someone else. EVER.

not LOVE
not SUCCESS
and especially NOT my happiness.

i can do anything anyone else can do BETTER, and there is no one else who knows me better than myself.

the only downside is that i dont want to feel like a bitter old sour person, like cameron.

i dont think i will be, sometimes i just need time to breathe. i have to remember that.

Easier said than done.

its easier to pretend that someone else can give YOU happiness, its easier to PIN DOWN the responsibility of your anything happiness, success, on another person, because those can be very difficult things to accomplish and when IT FAILS its easier to NOT have to blame yourself.

well i dont want to live that way. 

now do i believe in true love?

i believe in love, as a partnership but not as OWNERSHIP.

which is an assbackwards way of thinking that EVERYONE seems to have in this so called "NEW-AGE" world, yeah we have sex before marriage, and we have sex with anything that moves, YET we cant get the picture that being in a relationship doesnt make you the other persons FUCKEN OWNER.

yeah idealisticly you come and ask me what do i want? 

i want a fucken good looking sex/love slave. Thats what i fucken want. EVERYTHING FOR ME and not having to give back.

but slavery is illegal so GET THAT WAY OF THINKING OUT OF YOUR HEADS PEOPLE. its not going to work!!
 
my point is that there are too many cry babies out there, people who play victims chasing something that is so unrealistic, 
 
you can say "well you have never be in love" GOOD this "love" is sounding more and more like an excuse/justification to be POSSESSIVE and IRRATIONAL.
 
if u stop and thinking about it for JUST ONE SECOND, crap like jealousy is dumb, either they want to be with you and u quit your bullshit because you realize "hey this person has CHOSEN to be with me, let me stop acting like a jackass" OR you ACCEPT that they really dont care and u should move on before you just do more damage to yourself because your "happiness" should not rely on someone else. 
 
maybe i should just say FUCK AND BE MERRY lol jk
 
it sounded like a cool thing to say, since i feel redundant, of course no one in a relationship would ever take ANY of these words into consideration because they have their heads so far up their ass nothing can get through. 
 
so yeah this is my rant, and YES i contradict myself
 
only part of what i call being HUMAN and multi-dimensional, btw yet another reason why relationships dont work i might add.
 
what you want today is not usually what u want forever, esp if u get together young. its usually more of a womans problem since we seem to mature quicker =\. 
 
now that i think back , i really didnt fancy anything about my past relationship.... and somehow it lasted 4 years. 
 
sad to say.... but...... i will admit........ if it wasnt for warcraft we didnt have anything... and i was right, shortly after i quit, i broke up with him. LOL fuck you life for your trollin' 
 
someone whose avatar was more interesting than the real thing /facepalm hahaha! 
love me to death!

[08 Aug 2011|12:43am]
[ mood | good ]

 so, my ex has a new gf, well i just found that out, thanks facebook, "in a relationship" bs haha

aaaaaaaaaaaaand i really dont care

the only thing that annoys me is that HE, the UGLY one in the relationship was the one who moved on first

ALTHOUGH i might not have a bf, i did make out with someone at a party 3 days after i had broken up with him and while he was still crying over me ^_^

also im like a bajillion times prettier than his new gf ^_^

its good to know that im not jealous what so ever, i thought that i would be, it was something i was afraid of, like being a brat about it and stuff. but i am so detached from that relationship i feel as if it had never happened. 

after thinking long and hard, teehee long and hard, i REALLY dont want to be in a relationship

i mean having to actually GIVE A SHIT about other peoples problems ALL THE TIME, puuuh-leease i can barely care about my own, haha

or caring if someone is sick, or if someone is tired from work, or stressed and having to comfort, ALL TEH TIME

ok yes maybe my last relationship was with a OVERDRAMATIC DRAMA QUEEN, but still, i feel that im a kid and a lot of people in the valley have A LOT of GROWING up to do

also i need to find a freak like me who i am ATTRACTED TO, i know your out there!!

blah! haha

love me to death!

[02 Aug 2011|10:07am]

So my brother got married like 3 days ago WITHOUT telling anyone AND without telling anyone or ASKING he moved her into his room...

So that's what's going on here in my side

SIGH

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

love me to death!

[20 Jul 2011|10:36pm]
[ mood | crazy ]

 i am giving up Dairy, flour, and grease.... let see how long i can survive ><

love me to death!

[13 Jul 2011|07:54pm]

This week Alone I've passed limits I never thought I would be able to

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

love me to death!

<3 [04 Jul 2011|03:22am]
[ mood | pleased ]

 oh jackie you crazy, 


also youve come a long way


i am proud ^_^

1 died| love me to death!

[26 Jun 2011|08:17pm]

I wish I was a snake lady weeeee!

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

love me to death!

[26 Jun 2011|02:34am]
stop and count to 10, stop and count to 10! STOP AND COUNT TO 10!!! ahhh dammit the hardest part is NOT sending hate messages!!

damn my short fuse with dealing with idiots!!

grrrrr its like he knows how to push my buttons to make me mad and get my attention! hence "proving" in his sick little mind that i "care" bs! im not playing that game. grr!!
3 died| love me to death!

[02 Jun 2011|10:05pm]

<3!!!!

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

love me to death!

[31 Dec 2010|04:21am]
[ mood | blah ]

 i hate new years, but at least instead of feeling miserable this year, i did something stupid

heres to improvement! 

love me to death!

[29 Nov 2010|10:05pm]
so what i have been waiting for finally happened, and the one thing i wanted was so simple, yet too much to ask for.
love me to death!

[07 Oct 2010|02:55am]
[ mood | annoyed ]

 i am so done being the bad guy all the time when all im trying to do is be the voice of reason.

love me to death!

[18 May 2010|03:53am]
Asdf

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

love me to death!

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